My Vision

Back in my former bedroom, a familiar scene. Lights off, occassional sounds of the vehicles from the main road disturbed the silence.

I closed my eyes and pray. "What is it God? Where should I go?"

I close my eyes tighter, hoping that I can hear His voice. I recalled the vision from Him. Then, I was at a loss - not knowing which course to apply after my Os. Again, I squeezed my eyes, hoping to get a stronger focus.

The sound of the wall fan, the chirps from the birds and the snores from the living room...... Gosh, I'm distracted again. Back to my prayer, I'm almost trying hard not to fall asleep. These days, sleep just doesn't seem to be sufficient.

Age has caught up. Other than the obvious streaks of tiredness, there are also the breakouts from all the late nights and the tough to go, dark circles. Looking at the image staring right across me, I almost cannot remember how I used to look like. I'm constantly having backaches, migraines and increased lack of sleep.

Is this meant to be this way? Am I on the right track? I reminded myself of that faithful night again, of that vision. I took a deep breath and hope to relax. Another one and I'm more confident that the vision couldn't have been more wrong.

I've my administrative experience, and now, operations, and though reluctantly, a little on sales. Another level and I might be there. I wonder though if it is possible. With the economy and now that it has become yet another employer's market, it's even harder to get that opportunity.

But.. if this is God's plan, that Window of Opportunity will arrive. It happened before (quite an easy catch), then again (tough a little tougher with some struggles, a life changing event forced me forward) and now I believe. It will happen. Just like it did before. I've just got to believe, to have faith. To know, it's God and ... the next chapter, I hope, shares a good news to this story.

Let Go To Move Forward

Tuesday, 27 January 2009. Let Go, To Move Forward seems like an effortless phrase, but really, letting go of all the unjustice, hurt, failures, or maybe, to make it sound less pathetic, letting go of old habits, is such struggle. Forgive and forget? Also another daunting task. But if you never let go of your past, how would you be able to grab the opportunities, or move towards your future?

Have you had days when you have forgotten, what's today's date? I'm wondering, is this a sign of old age, or really, a sign that one couldn't let go of the past.

Have you heard of a daily habit of sharing everyone's to do. It's really a good habit to know what you need to do, what you need to prioritise and same for everyone else. So, it's easy to share the load around. Yet, A had the struggle of looking at the same list, and, probably this is also why, A kept looking back (what A had to do and can't finish) and can't keep track of the time A has at present, and the time in future, that A can treasure and appreciate. Somehow, this "To Do" thing, just keep scaring A of how little time A has, and how much things A has to do.

Whatever it is, this year cannot just be another year overwhelmed with To Do. No, A can't allow this to happen.

The other day, A had a really interesting dream. Or rather, scary dream.

The sky suddenly turned red, and molten rocks were falling and catching up with A. A listened with horror and sadness, as A and the people heard a voice that says "Yes, you are right, it's the dooms day. And you, are one of the few priviledged, to survive through this, and start a new generation. It's another 100 days to dooms day." Though a dream, A could almost feel his/her heart twitched, and ached.

At that moment, the first thing that come to A's mind, is not clearing A's "To Do", not working overnight and overtime. Instead, it's to spend quality time with A's love ones.

A knew, A is the privileged few who are selected to survive, but, A only has 100 days left with the people that matter to A. A can't recall any memories that went into thinking about failing to get a chance to enjoy a life of luxury, nor any about making more money, or climbing up the ladders.

This is almost similar to the story that asks one to reflect what you would want to listen at your own funeral? Or, what you would want to do if you know you are dying. Something unique then, is, A knows, A will survive. So, what can A do with the time people have left with A, what can A do for them, and for, A him/herself.

It's really a scary dream and one that A hopes will never happen. However, as one fights for survival these days, should one scheme or badmouth people to achieve all these?

This reminds A again that A still can't let go of the severe badmouthing experience that A had to suffer, by someone who, in the attempt to make him/herself look like a victim, even slander A and B by saying that they backstabbed him/her. A really can't comprehend how a person has the conscience to allow him/herself to communicate such lies without battling an eyelid, or feeling any twitch of guilt.

Imagine if, that person is not performing, and you give feedback openly to him/her, and s/he can still tell you, "Thank you for your feedback, I will improve". It's so openly conveyed to him/her. And, also, the same feedback A or B would give to a management. How did all these become a backstabbing? And scary words that were used to describe how s/he will get back at them. It's especially awful, given the age of that person. What kind of moral values have that person been taught?

A hopes to become a victim too and have everyone to sympatise with A. But, what can all these achieve? Will sympathy help A move forward?

Sigh.. whatever it is, it won't, or maybe, it won't be happening anytime soon. Everything is still dependent on oneself. Maybe, an apology will make A feel better. Maybe, a lesson to that person will make A feel better. But til then, A can make him/herself feel better immediately.

And that is, to let go. Forgive and forget.

To keep cool, A reminds him/herself that A ain't no saint either - there are times where A complains to vent off too (really, a common habit to vent off without having to confront anyone), hence, A can't throw stone at the guilty either. But A is finding it so tough.

After all, all these came along with the people who taught the lies for real, and these are people that A and B have to continue to work with. All these came along with the pre-exisiting pressures from work, life and other problems.

But, but, No more "but"!!

A has to let go! A must let go, and let God do the rest. God will be the judge.

Henceforth, for everyone out there who had a terrible experience in year 2008 or before. Or maybe now, let's hope we can all let go. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone had times of anger when we behave in the most silly way.

Let's appreciate the time we have ahead now. And be thankful that we still have time to spend with our love ones. And, use the new positive energy, to create more opportunities and good memories.

I wish, for that person, to know, that it was never a backstabbing case. To truly be truthful to him/herself in terms of what was being shared to him/her. To be courageous to face up to it and not share it in untruthful ways. To know that, there's really justice in this world. I wish, A will successfully let go of the past and move forward.

With the end of a chapter, let's move forward and write a beautiful chapter. Let's hope that the experiences from 2008 have mould us into better people, preparing us for the challenging year ahead.

Let's hope that year 2009 will be a good and positive year for everyone! Where everyone will be more forgiving, will be more kind and will be more happy. Good health, physically, spiritually and.... financially!

As much as it's a struggle, the moment we have taken the first step, we are another step nearer to our goals.

Look Forward To The Day, and The Day, Can be Now.......